#1
A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
#2
Son: Dad is our house haunted?
Dad : May be, but I'm not sure.
Son: But the maid told me last night ghosts are not real
Dad: run, we don't have a maid.
#3
A young mosquito returned to its mother.
"How was your flight, darling?" asked the mother.
"It was great mom! Everyone clapped for me."
#4
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
##Are you rushing to make money online? Then this article is for you!
#5Son : Mom my friends are coming to play with me but please hide my toys
Mom : Why , are your friends thieves
Son : No , but they will identify their toys
#6
Wife busy packing clothesHubby : Where are you going
Wife : To my mother
Hubby also starts packing
Wife : And where do you think you are going
Hubby : Am also going to my mother
Wife : What about the kids
Hubby - Since you are going to your mother and am also going to my mother , the kids should also go to their mother
#7
A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him...and lastly we found a dollar and highfived each other....
Husband: i lost my wife, she went shopping and she hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: i never checked
Inspector: slim or healthy?
Husband: not slim, can be healthy
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: never noticed
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: changes according to season
Inspector: what was she wearing?
Husband: not sure whether it was a dress or a suit
Inspector: was she driving?
Husband: yes
Inspector: color of the car?
Husband: black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full led headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door..then husband start crying..
Inspector: Don’t worry sir, we will find your car
#9
When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters
'PNEIS'
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on facebook.
#10
Me: Mom was I adopted?Mother : yes Adopted and returned.
#11
Patient :- Doctor,I think a vampire has bitten me.Doctor:- Drink this glass of water.
Patient :- Will it make me fine?
Doctor :- No,I'll just see whether your neck leaks or not.
#12
5 ways for man to be happy with women.1) Be with a woman who makes you laugh.
2) Be with a woman who gives you her time.
3) Be with a woman who takes care of you.
4) Be with a woman who really loves you.
5) Last , make sure these four women don't know each other.
#13
Two terrorists having discussion in a bar,The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.
Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.
Waiter: Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.
#14
i was watching wwe and my grandma turn of the tv i asked her why and she said if she didn't they would have killed each other.
the sad thing thu I've been saying this for 14 years yet bever got a laugh
#15
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. the driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine,turn it off again and said "We reached your destination" The first guy gave him money,the second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too,while the third guy slapped the taxi driver,the driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did,the driver asked "What was that for?" the third guy replied "Control your speed next time, you've nearly killed us!!"#16
Girl - propose me in a different wayBoy- Can I stop your periods for 9 months?
#17
Wife: do you know the meaning of wife ?Husband: it means..without information fighting everytime
Wife:no darling ... it means " with idiot for ever"
#18
Pastor: your bank account has already been toppedBench mate: yes...
Bench mate: aren't you feeling the pastor?
Me: I don't have a bank account
#19
A kid went to his father and asked,"Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"
#20
I had a chinese friend,he was in the ICU when I went to see him,he kept telling me "Ching hua Yan,Ching hua Yan" until he sadly died
later on I researched for the meaning of the statement and saw that it meant "you are stepping on my oxygen pipe"#21
My grandmother lived for 130 years because she was busy minding her business.. You too can live up to that
#22
January and February can't March but April May 
#23
Cigarette smoking is injurious to health and profitable for the cigarette business please keep smoking and support them your health doesn't matter to anyone
#24
Cigarette companies kill their best customers while condom companies kill their future customers.
#25
Wife-Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?Husband- A trip to Thailand?
Wife-Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
Husband-Then I pick you up again.
#26
I met a lady when she smile I lost my heart what a feeling it was... I mean I lost my wallet mobile watch etc as well I was fully satisfied with great feelings of love when she stole everything of mine#27
A couple who had two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant and was
happy to deliver a baby boy.
The father raced to the hospital to see his new
son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly
baby.
He said to his wife, "I cannot possibly be the
Father of that hideous child. Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered."
His wife blushed and the husband became suspicious. "Have you been with another man?" he said.
His wife admitted, "Not this time."
#28
My grandmother called me 25 times when i forgot my phone at her house.when I went her house to take the phone I asked why did you called me so many times. Then she replied i wanted to told you that you forgot your phone here.#29
My mom beat me so bad. I cried and hid under the bed for 3 hrs eating some chocolates. they we're looking for me everywhere. then they started crying, then I came out and then they beat me again 
#30
A couple decided to commit suicideso dey decided to jump off a cliff.
Wen they got to de top, dey both
counted to 3. The man jumped, but the
woman stayed. She was watching him
fall for about 7 seconds and then saw a parachute open now the big question
is, "Who cheated whom?"
#31
Yesterday I gave some of my food to a beggar,Today he gave me a book called 'how to cook'.
#32
Wife : Honey what are you doing?Husband : I am reading a book
Wife : then why are you crying?
Husband : Ending of the book is very sad
Wife : what book is that?
Husband : my bank book
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